Самое ужасное чувство когда не знаешь новостей о Базилике. Я хочу чтобы он жил. До ужаса боюсь узнать что его не стало или пропал без вести. Как мне тогда с этим жить?
Да, помню как дала себе слово, что больше он не сделает мне больно. И я сдержу свое слово. Но знать бы что он жив…

Променял стабильность на алкоголь и двух эскортниц, которым даже не пришлось платить.
Очередное падение на дно.

Я ненавиджу себе, коли їм ввечері.

Нарешті мені подобається моє відображення в дзеркалі.

Але внутрішній стан мерзенний. Сьогодні мені хочеться щезнути. Щезнути з цього світу, щоб більше нікому не завдавати нещасть. Щоб більше не відчувати те, що я відчуваю.

На жаль, я занадто слабка ддя цього.

Это похоже на плотный непроглядный мрак, поглотивший меня. Он такой густой, что трудно дышать. Каждый вдох требует усилий. И я пытаюсь идти, переставляя ноги, как под толщей воды. 'Последняя надежда' ведёт меня за руку. И только от этого я цепляюсь за возможность когда-нибудь вырваться из этого мрака.
Но вокруг так темно, что я не вижу даже своей руки. Есть ли ещё эта 'надежда'? И есть ли ещё я?

• thinking that "traveling is the best thing in life / it recharges you / it helps you forget things / it helps you relax". I probably have had enough traveling for the last 3 years (4 countries), and now I can confidently say that it is a nice little hobby, nothing more. It won't make you happy in the long term and won't change your life. It is not so deep.

• "men are good / women are stupid" and "women are cool, men are stupid" and stuff like that. I can't express how furious I am when I hear BS like this. Can we just… disrespect stupid people as a species? Without labeling them based on their gender? I have a feminist friend who keeps drilling my brain with her inexplainable aggression towards men. Girl… I know many more decent and cool men than women, but it is my personal experience, and I never say we should exterminate any of them just because a sad story happened to us. How can you, an educated person who is able to think critically, be so narrow-minded and so terribly judgemental? Let's hate awful people and let's agree that normal and good people exist.

• writing hateful comments under posts and videos. Just plain idiotic. You can never come across as an intellectual if you do this, ever.

• trying to show your naked body to everyone in social nets. So pathetic. You can say what you want, like you do it for yourself, and all that. But be honest, you are an attetion junkie. Did you have a childhood trauma? Did parents neglect you? No father figure?

• downplaying your opponent's points in an argument by "where did you find this BS? It is just not true!" instead of giving valid counter-arguments to refute this point. I haven't met ANYBODY who is actually able to argue in a calm and productive way, which would make an argument useful for both sides. The only thing I hear is "what you say is wrong" and over-emotional behaviour.

• putting your blind trust to authorities. Like… really? Living in an information bubble in the 21th century is a crime. NEVER trust what they say on TV or government-affiliated media.

• thinking that you are ugly or fat and/or doing plastic surgery or botox duck lips or a face that can't move and express any emotions at all. It always looks terrible and makes you look older and like a cheap whore, the only exception being medical reasons. Is it a conspiracy? Am I the only one who sees how awful it really is? And they say you should start at 30 because you start getting older. Go fck yourself. Women are always beautiful on their own when they are healthy and happy. At any age.

I said what I wanted

Frantic daily scrolling during the last 2-3 years has taken its toll definitely. I probably have ADHD: I can hardly continue doing one activity without peeking into my phone or checking the news. I can't focus on writing essays or doing anything that requires thorough thinking for a long time, only when I have a tight deadline. This is actually rather pitiful. I need a big conscious effort to stop getting distracted, although I used to be super efficient once. When life looked so exciting. Bring me back to those times in 2019-2020, before the world was fucked up completely.

Do I need these news? No. I am safe, as safe as I can be. But I start every morning with it anyway. Even if the whole continent goes boom, then what can I do anyway? The only accomplishment will be "I was one of the first to know". Absurd. My husband doesn't understand why I keep reading the news, being on a different continent entirely and as far from the thick of things as possible.

My ex-boss keeps writing to me with offers to continue working together. I have plunged deeply into gaming, reading and doing absolutely nothing. So the idea of really working is… somehow strange and embarrassing at the same time. I haven't been doing anything really productive for months. And I realize that real work would probably be VERY good for my mental health. But I was so exhausted this spring that I can't help feeling abject fear when I open WhatsApp, because I expect thousands of chats with numerous problems to solve and new worries to haunt me at night. Am I really that sensitive that just three months in a position that I am not fit for has made me into a panick-stricken and unbalanced animal that shrinks back when it comes to work?

Після розмови з мамою відчуваю себе невдахою і гімном.

І тепер я маю сумніви, чи варто мені їхати на Новий Рік в Україну. Не хочу, щоб мене у моєму віці виховували і застосовували проти мене всі ці огидні маніпуляції, які так чудово спрацьовували в дитинстві і ще декілька місяців тому.

Зараз я нарешті проходжу стадію сепарації і дорослішання, яку мала пройти ще тоді, коли мене силою волокли в перукарню перефарбовувати волосся, або коли вирішили за мене, в якій країні мені працювати.

на удивление спокойно себя ощущаю, да, наверное тоска придет позже, но пока я с любопытством смотрю в эту новую главу и мне почему то кажется что все будет хорошо

Завтра у меня день рождение.
Мне будет 28. Божачки. А у меня ни кола, ни двора)))